I get my groceries from instacart


The Weight: Part Two

Since I have started exercising with this little step machine I bought off of Amazon while watching what I eat, I have lost weight. I was 260 when I started, and I am now 253.4. I exercise as much as I can. My bones and joints are not very happy with me at the moment, but I expected it to hurt more than the last time I tried to work out to lose weight. That was in 2012 or somewhere like that. A long time ago. Too long. I had no results back then so I gave up. I can’t even lie about that.

I watched the special on Youtube about Will Smith getting in shape while he wrote his autobiography.

It turns out that my Grandfather and his father should have gotten together and gone bowling. The same evil temper when they drink. Will saw his father punch his mother in the face so hard that she spat out blood. My father had to watch my grandmother get hit by my grandfather. My dad would get horrible migraines when he had to live in that house. It was so bad that he dropped out in his senior year of high school and joined the army. After that, my dad told me, the migraines went away.

My dad never hit me or my mom or sister. He hit everything else. Anything he could get his hands on he would break in the middle of his drunken stupor. I was absent from school way more than I should be because I couldn’t mentally deal with being forced to be up all night listening to my dad and mom screaming at each other and then go to school like nothing happened, only to be bullied to the brink of suicide at school up until 10th grade, which is when I lost weight. I had no safe place for so long, only to run into another male who abused me way worse than my father ever did.

I let him put his hands on me once. Right in front of our daughter. I told him that I don’t care about jail and that if he ever put his hands on me again I’d kill him. He has been pretty much out of her life ever since.

I broke the cycle of abuse just like Will Smith did. I may have an older sister, but I gave birth to my dad’s first grandbaby. I broke the cycle before my sister could (she had my nephew a few years after I had my daughter).

When it was the early stages of my mom being in the hospital, one time my dad was verbally abusing me so much that I snapped and had to call 911 and tell him if this ever happens again I am calling the cops every single time, that what he was doing to me was abuse. The cops reassured me that he could not legally kick me out of the house.

When I said that if I ever one day got my wish and had a daughter and make her childhood 10x better than mine ever was, I fucking meant it. I can deal with being functionally dysfunctional, but I will never put up with abuse of any kind.

Those who do not take that seriously will suffer the repercussions.

The Weight: Part One

I was doing well for a few weeks. Eating as healthy as I could, staying away from full-calorie soda (which I still am, I have diet soda now), but when my Dad told me that my Mom thinks she’s going to die, I binged. For a couple of days.

I haven’t lost anything. I thought I lost four pounds but the scale keeps saying I gained them back.

I did start exercising though. I have that step machine where I can sit down and work my legs, butt and abs while I watch tv. I’ll probably bring it out when I’m done writing this. I’m watching “Good Omens” again to recap. I’m so excited for the new season.

I’m not going to say “fuck it” and go back to binging whenever I want and not caring how much I put on or keep myself from losing. Everybody relapses at the beginning of detoxing yourself from the thing you are addicted to, so there is no point in me giving up. At least if I decrease my binge to maybe twice a month then cut back to once then maybe I’ll wein myself off of it for good. Food and full calorie soda are what I am addicted to the most.

This is like being a heron addict and not being able to quit cold turkey because your body needs heroin to live. That’s the best way I can put it.

So, tomorrow is another day and I’ll go on eating healthy. I actually am getting used to it and my body is starting to feel better even though I’m depressed because my Mom is still in the hospital and I haven’t seen her for about two months. I really need to go see her. It will be good for the both of us.

This is one of the hardest things I have had to go through and I am not having my diet be mostly rubbish. I need nourishment to help keep me sane.

The Weight. A Prequel.

I’m not going to lie about my weight. I am 5’6 and right now 256 pounds.

About two weeks ago, I was 260. I cut out full-calorie soda, switched to sparkling water, low-calorie orange juice, non-fat milk, light mayo, whole-grain bread/buns, and fat-free yogurt. I cut down on fast food to once a week (in the form of Chucky Cheese pizza).

I started eating grapes. If I wanted chocolate, I ate low-fat chocolate pudding. I eat either a big piece of salmon and a salad with low or no-calorie dressing or a veggie burger with salad and low-calorie dressing for dinner. For breakfast, I have two packets of oatmeal or yogurt with granola that has protein added. I try to eat as much fresh veg and fruit as I can.

For snacks, I like a bit of cheese and nuts, hummus with pita chips, more fat-free yogurt with low/no fat granola. I like grapes because it really helps with the whole not stuffing myself with chocolate. I have had six reeses peanut butter cups in these two weeks. Normally I would have two of them or some other serving of chocolate every day. I have had two 1/4 cups of ice cream in these two weeks. Normally I would have that every day. I haven’t had the chance yet, but I am going to switch to having brown rice with my Chinese food instead of white.

Pizza is a big vice for me. Little Caesar’s to be specfic. I just had two slices of that for dinner and some diet coke today. I will let my Dad and/or daughter eat the rest of it. I am also not the type of person who has one cheat day a week: I like having a treat a couple of times a day. I’ve watched people who really hit the gym and eat healthy six days out of the week and then stuff themselves on the seventh. This method never works for me. If I crave something that bad, I just stop myself from binging it.

Binging and emotional eating have always been my downfall, along with full-calorie soda. Oh my GOD do I love soda. I have been watching UK reality tv shows about dieting and losing weight on Youtube lately. I found out that withdrawing from too much fat, sugar, and salt in your diet is like quitting cocaine cold turkey, especially if you are withdrawing from sugar. Chocolate and cheese have opiates in them (which I have known for a long time) and I crave them both. Honestly, the grapes and snack pack pudding cups are a big help from me not diving headfirst into a big bowl of ice cream.

I was really unhealthy during the various Covid lockdowns in the past year. I would sit watching tv with a chocolate pie in my lap. I never could eat one all at once, but I was gluttonous. I ate way too much fast food. I was eating it as well as naughty sweets to numb myself from the stress of homeschooling.

When my Mom would up in the hospital, it was a wake-up call for me. I really needed to stop all of that stress eating and knock it off once and for all. I am already taking enough medications for my diagnosis, I don’t want to add type 2 diabetes and/or heart medication on top of it. I have to get healthy not just for me but for my daughter, my mom, and my dad. They need me. As much as they can drive me crazy: they need me.

It’s Like a Car Crash I Can’t Stop Watching.

I watch Gone Girl, I listen to the audio book, and a part of me finds comfort in it. It sounds insane, and I don’t blame you for thinking it is.

As a survivor of domestic violence, that part of me that is scarred and will always be scarred, takes pleasure in it.

Not that I would do anything like Amy Dunne did, of course. I may have a sadistic streak, but I’m not psychotic.

It’s the torture that I crave when watch Ben Affleck, it’s the torture I listen to from Nick’s part of the audio book.

I know this has been said from a lot of women about this book, this movie: the girl got her revenge, she got away with it, the villain was a girl and she got away with it. As a survivor it is fucking delicious.

Amy was a villain, but I think I could give her a run for her money. There were times when I felt inspired by the Saw movies when it came to my ex. I could make Amy look like Sally Field. When Midsommar, the ultimate break-up movie, was a fucking walk in the park compared to my day dreams.