Of all the things to listen to while on vacation, I decided to listen to the audio version of the book The Sociopath Next Door a few years ago. I realized I wanted to listen to it because it had been nagging me because my instincts were telling me that it was a possibility that I was (and still am) dealing with a sociopath.
It was the lying. The constant, to this day lying. That was the first thing I had to confront. I was dealing with a person who was constantly trying to gaslight me into thinking they are a certain type of person when they are, in reality, only putting on an act to either pacify me or vindicate themselves.
It turned out that my instincts were correct. This person, for as long as I have known them, has been and probably always will be happy to lie straight to my face. This person had and still has no difficulty in laying all of the blame on someone else in order to get the heat off of themselves. The embellishment is the trait that this person in my life has in spades. They are always the victim, they are quick to re-write history, they spend all of their time and energy putting on this false persona to the public that they are a responsible and selfless person when in reality they are the most selfish human being I have ever been exposed to.
The mind games. The person I deal with plays mind games whenever possible in order to get a person off of their back or to avoid responsibilities every adult should be dealing with day to day. The mind games to supplement the mind-boggling laziness. The manipulation. The tactics they have in their arsenal that they pull out at a moment’s notice to shift the blame or the responsibility off of themselves. The lack of regret about all the incredibly disgusting things they have done not just to me, but to countless others. The constant need to take the easy way out and do as little hard work as possible.
The narcissism. Again, building up this persona of being just a person who made a lot of mistakes but who is deep down genuinely awesome. Downplaying or flat out forgetting every single hurtful thing they had said and done to me. The outrage they convey whenever I bring up the fact that for our entire relationship up until now they were so abusive towards me that I had no choice but to check into a psyche ward multiple times due to the constant stress they caused me and my mental illness.
The fact that the only reason that they are even with their current significant other is that their significant other has money and keeps them living comfortably enough to for the most part disregard their responsibilities to their own offspring. The only time they make an effort is for fun things like holidays or birthdays. The fact that they constantly say it is my fault that they are not in our child’s life because I never contact them when they too stupid to the concept that communication is a two-way street. Always bringing up that I am the one who has to keep them updated through email when they have had my phone number for years and chose never to call their own child. It is always my fault that they chose to spend their money on being an alcoholic when they could be saving that money to get a car so they could visit us, which is the agreement we made when we gave full custody over to me.
It is always my fault that their child is not in their life, when they are the one who left us. Lies lies lies it’s Katie’s fault. Lies lies lies it’s Katie’s fault.
This is what I have been dealing with year after year.
Well no more.
They do not have a clue what they are up against, because I am a goddamn warrior. They will never win. Their abuse will never break me down. My parents and I along with friends and teachers have raised an amazing kid. We put the work into it. Never them.
They have no idea that they have poked this sleeping bear and gotten away with it for the last time. No more feeling sorry for them.
It’s me and my daughter. Then now and forever.