The #Onision Documentary on Discovery +: Part 1 ***UPDATED***

***I spell schizoaffective disorder “skitzoaffective disorder” because my nickname on Myspace was Trixie McBimbo, and my friends nicknamed me Skitzie McBimbo because that’s funny. The hospital I have been to many times for audio hallucinations even lets me spell it that way because I told them the origin story of why I spell it wrong. Sorry not sorry that I dare to have a sense of humor about my mental illness instead of weaponizing it and sorry not sorry that I refuse to use it to go sadfishing.***

1/5/21 4:21pm

I signed up for the free trial of Discovery +. I don’t know if this will be shown on a daily basis or on a weekly basis. I am honestly right now watching it because I wanted to see Shiloh’s interview. I’m going to go straight to her part and then update this when I am able to. As a woman who also finally got out of an abusive relationship just like Shiloh did: bringing your abuser to some sort of justice or even just coming out with your story is scary as hell. I don’t particularly like a lot of Shiloh’s actions (I think that she doesn’t realize that sometimes she leans more on becoming the abuser having been abused herself, and she apparently scammed a few people on the fundraisers dedicated to her-I spoke to one doner directly), but I respect her. Coming out takes a lot of guts.

I know what it is like to deal with an ex who is so narcissistic that they will do anything to drag your character through the mud in order to keep up the fake upstanding reputation they have constructed for themselves in their own head. I know what it is like to deal with your abuser trying to defame you by pointing out any bad episodes you have had due to your mental illness while being so oblivious to the fact that their abuse is the reason your illness was aggravated in the first place. As survivors, we have a few things in common.

I do not condone weaponizing suicide as a means to hurt someone, I know what it’s like to be that desperate to get out of a relationship so badly that you are capable of weaponizing it in the first place. Shiloh once tried to emotionally blackmail myself and another Youtuber by the name of Edwin’s Generation (who is also in the Discovery documentary). I have faith that Shiloh will stop that behavior through the help of therapy and/or medication. I myself am on medication due to the fact that I have skitzoaffective disorder bi-polar type and I also see a therapist once a week for it. Those two things and taking breaks off of the internet has been very helpful for me, and I hope she finds a healthy routine that helps her deal with her trauma and post traumatic stress.

I am going to watch the Shiloh interview first and then I am going to make another post based off of what I saw from the interview and the whole episode.

This is not me cashing in on Onision. This is me spreading awareness. Women have to stick together in situations such as these because men will always stick together. It has been proven to me time and time again.

Death is More Than The Sandman’s Sister

I have dealt with death multiple times. The instance when the full weight of the person or animal being gone is different every single time I have experienced it.  I hate to sound trite, but they really are like snowflakes-the pain is individual to each other.  In another way they somehow fit together like a patchwork quilt, something beautiful that has obvious scars from the stitches that hold it together.

My introduction to death was the death of my paternal Grandpa.  I don’t really remember being too sad about it, even though I knew that he was gone forever.  Maybe I blocked it out.  Maybe it was because I saw how upset my father was and I decided to become stoic for him.  (Stoic at five years old, yeah, I was capable of being that, believe it or not.  I was a very old soul for my age.  I understood things at a young age that the adults around me didn’t pick up on as quickly as I did.  You pay a price for not only being an old soul but also very early in life.  Just ask my parents.)

My second experience with death was when my paternal Grandma died.  My Grandma Schab loved me as much as her husband did.  I spent a lot of time at the retirement community she lived in for a while.

I remember the diabetic shocks.  Every day with the oxygen tank due to emphysema.  Nausea from the chemo due to her cancer.  Knowing that she was gone after the funeral when things went back to “normal”.  I felt glad that she was no longer in pain.

Speaking of pain, I can remember when I found out that my cat Gi Gi was so sick that her kidneys were failing.  It broke my heart that I knew that she had to be put to sleep.  She was still purring when I found her in a pool of blood one day, and she was purring when the vet put her down.  There was no way I was going to put her on a bunch of medication to keep her alive because I couldn’t let her go.  I still had her daughter, Lucy, who helped ease the pain.  When Lucy ran away a part of me died.  Just like a part of me died when my brother-in-law died.  He just missed the first birthday of his son.

There have been more deaths in my life.  These are but a few.  I make sure I move on.  I think that our loved ones want us to be happy, not ruining our lives mourning them.

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