Down

I have to see my Mom. She’s my best friend and she isn’t here. She has not been here for months.

It is crippling my imagination. It makes it sometimes impossible to even think of what I want to write let alone sit with my erasable pen and my notebook, pick a topic and write. I have pieces that I have not published.

What I really want to do is save up money to sign up for that Master Class app/site. I want to listen and watch Neil Gaiman and Margaret Atwood and absorb everything they have to teach me. This is honestly what I want more than anything.

I did fall off my diet, but I have been steering more into the healthy eating lane. I am trying to make it so that one day a week I get a cheat day. I am training my body to like healthy foods and more protein so that I can cleanse the sugar I eat from my cheat day. I am so used to having a treat every day. I let myself have fast food once a month.

The last fast food I had was Arby’s. I had a crispy chicken sandwich with curly fries, a cherry turnover, one of each of their cookies, and a Sprite. It was wonderful. I think the next time I get to have my fast food day (February 8th) I will get the same only both kinds of turnovers along with the cookies. I will share with my daughter some of it because I really can’t eat all of that myself. (Don’t worry, she only gets fast food the same day I get fast food.)

I have not been exercising either. I am going to change that tomorrow. I have a new machine I can use to help me work out at home.

I need to be as healthy as I can be for my sanity.

The Weight Part Three

I have gained back the weight I lost, but I have not gained more than that.

Life put a wrench in my diet. The kid is home due to covid. She will be returning soon.

I eat more junk than I should, but I don’t eat just junk food.

I am still a big stress eater.

I haven’t been working out much either. The depression over my Mom not being here makes it hard to exert myself.

Today Lexi and I took a walk for the first time in a while. It felt good and I need to do this more.

Some people don’t understand how much depression takes your energy.

So it’s another new year.

I usually take December off when it comes to my writing and my content. I have been fan-girling on the Sandman audible production and the Sandman TV show that is coming. Like really really REALLY fan-girling. I am green with envy over those who have got to see the theater version of Ocean at the End of the Lane. I mean it. I am BITTER.

I have started listening to the audio version to try to get over myself. I keep falling asleep to it though so I can’t even tell you what I know about the book other than the synopsis. Neil Gaiman make your voice less palatable for once so I can actually get through a book without being lulled into a coma. kthanx.

I love you but dude. Srsly.

The Weight: Part Two

Since I have started exercising with this little step machine I bought off of Amazon while watching what I eat, I have lost weight. I was 260 when I started, and I am now 253.4. I exercise as much as I can. My bones and joints are not very happy with me at the moment, but I expected it to hurt more than the last time I tried to work out to lose weight. That was in 2012 or somewhere like that. A long time ago. Too long. I had no results back then so I gave up. I can’t even lie about that.

I watched the special on Youtube about Will Smith getting in shape while he wrote his autobiography.

It turns out that my Grandfather and his father should have gotten together and gone bowling. The same evil temper when they drink. Will saw his father punch his mother in the face so hard that she spat out blood. My father had to watch my grandmother get hit by my grandfather. My dad would get horrible migraines when he had to live in that house. It was so bad that he dropped out in his senior year of high school and joined the army. After that, my dad told me, the migraines went away.

My dad never hit me or my mom or sister. He hit everything else. Anything he could get his hands on he would break in the middle of his drunken stupor. I was absent from school way more than I should be because I couldn’t mentally deal with being forced to be up all night listening to my dad and mom screaming at each other and then go to school like nothing happened, only to be bullied to the brink of suicide at school up until 10th grade, which is when I lost weight. I had no safe place for so long, only to run into another male who abused me way worse than my father ever did.

I let him put his hands on me once. Right in front of our daughter. I told him that I don’t care about jail and that if he ever put his hands on me again I’d kill him. He has been pretty much out of her life ever since.

I broke the cycle of abuse just like Will Smith did. I may have an older sister, but I gave birth to my dad’s first grandbaby. I broke the cycle before my sister could (she had my nephew a few years after I had my daughter).

When it was the early stages of my mom being in the hospital, one time my dad was verbally abusing me so much that I snapped and had to call 911 and tell him if this ever happens again I am calling the cops every single time, that what he was doing to me was abuse. The cops reassured me that he could not legally kick me out of the house.

When I said that if I ever one day got my wish and had a daughter and make her childhood 10x better than mine ever was, I fucking meant it. I can deal with being functionally dysfunctional, but I will never put up with abuse of any kind.

Those who do not take that seriously will suffer the repercussions.

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