It’s Like a Car Crash I Can’t Stop Watching.

I watch Gone Girl, I listen to the audio book, and a part of me finds comfort in it. It sounds insane, and I don’t blame you for thinking it is.

As a survivor of domestic violence, that part of me that is scarred and will always be scarred, takes pleasure in it.

Not that I would do anything like Amy Dunne did, of course. I may have a sadistic streak, but I’m not psychotic.

It’s the torture that I crave when watch Ben Affleck, it’s the torture I listen to from Nick’s part of the audio book.

I know this has been said from a lot of women about this book, this movie: the girl got her revenge, she got away with it, the villain was a girl and she got away with it. As a survivor it is fucking delicious.

Amy was a villain, but I think I could give her a run for her money. There were times when I felt inspired by the Saw movies when it came to my ex. I could make Amy look like Sally Field. When Midsommar, the ultimate break-up movie, was a fucking walk in the park compared to my day dreams.

The Shallow

I was just watching a clip of Lady Gaga winning the Oscar for her song “Shallow” from the movie she was in, “A Star is Born”, and then I watched a clip of the ending of the latest season of “The Handmaid’s Tale” and my throat swelled up and I cried a little.  

I told my mom “Hey, it’s that time of the month: sue me” and she laughed.Aunt Flow was a small part of why I felt like I could just burst into tears at that moment.Just watching how men are slowly but surely are coming out of the woodwork and doing what they used to do before Christianity swallowed up pagans whole and left the survivors naked, shivering, scared, in the dark.  Supporting women.  Uplifting women.  Defending women.  Believing in women.  Slowly turning the tide back to when there was no gender war. Back to when we were equal.  Back when we were ying and yang.  When three little birds pitched by your doorstep, “singing sweet songs, of melodies pure and true.”When you did not have to worry about a thing.I can feel it.  That little flame of gold.  That golden world Anne Boleyn hinted at one bright summer’s day.  When it felt like everything was finally coming together in her favor.  In all of women kind’s favor. For once.

“The Challenge” and Pamprin Weekend

I spent all day today in Lexi’s bed watching “The Challenge” with her on my Chrome book. I feel bad for her because she’s getting mood swings and that usually means one thing. It is the same thing I am suffering from right now, as I do every month. The first two days for me I feel like I should put crime scene tape on me instead of a belt. Ever see the blood tidal wave scene in “The Shining”? That is what it feels like. I am overexaggerating: it isn’t that bad literally. It sure does feel that way though.

Another thing that sucks because of Covid: I have no idea when there will be a new season of “The Challenge”. It’s a big part of my routine and I don’t like my routine getting messed up because of my schizophrenia. My movies and my TV shows help me cope a lot. I hated having to give up Netflix because of that damn “Cuties” movie. I will however re-subscribe for every new season of “Ratched”. Sarah Poulson is so good.

I also am wishing I could have another TV series or miniseries with Natalie Dormer, but the only two she’s been in is “Picnic at Hanging Rock” and “Penny Dreadful: City of Angels”, which I have both watched.

(Tangent, there is a book called Penny Dreadful by Wil Christopher Baer that is part of a “Phineas Poe” trilogy that is really good. Read “Kiss me, Judas” first, then Penny, then “Hell’s Half Acre”. It’s a very noir trilogy if you’re into noir. Will Christopher Baer is one of my favorite writers because of those books. He was supposed to come out with a new book, “Godspeed” that he was working on but nobody knows whether or not it will see the light of day.)

I am really hoping she does another voice performance like she did in “Neverwhere”.

I also keep forgetting that she’s almost a year older than I am. I always thought she was younger.

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